Jurassic Park IV was just announced last month. Now that my head has finally finished exploding, I can write a nerdy post about it.
THERE IT IS! Jurassic World. Not sure if they mean that as in dinosaurs everywhere or as in Disney World with monorails and shit. OR MAYBE… Jurassic Park + The Lost World = Jurassic World? Well, I wouldn’t mind it. The problem is, everybody else would!
Either way, speculating is useless at this point. Nobody knows anything. Trust me, I’ve checked the forums. What I do know is that it’s going to be fucking amazing. It comes out June 12, 2015.
You know what else is coming out in 2015? LIKE, EVERY OTHER BIG BUDGET MOVIE EVER MADE. Lots of sequels, lots of nerdy stuff, lots of expensive stuff. It’s going to be a box-office bloodbath. Look:
1. STAR WARS EPISODE VII
Mickey Mouse bought out Luke Skywalker last year, hooked J.J. Abrams to direct, and now they’re gonna make Star Wars Episode VII: Return on Investment.
2. BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN
Probably going to be terrible. Or genius. I can’t decide.
3. FINDING DORY
You guys, Dory is dancing weekly at 3pm on syndication.
4. AVENGERS II: AGE OF ULTRON
We get it, Marvel, you put your rolodex to great use by getting every huge star there ever was to play a superhero so you can make a bajillion dollars… TWICE! Good for you guys!
5. TERMINATOR 5
I know you said you’d be back, baby, a couple of times, but that’s enough isn’t it? And with, our good ol’ Arnold Schwarsey Shore back on board, this is probably going to be expensive and super lame!
6. TED 2
Bro’s Seth MacFarlane and Marky Mark are gonna return so you and your bros can all go to the movies again.
7. THE GOOD DINOSAUR
Second Pixar movie of 2015, with some of my favourite animals who ever lived. Count me in. Let’s see if raptors open doors in this one.
8. FANTASTIC 4
This one is gonna be a reboot, because the first round of movies with Jessica Alba and co. weren’t insulting enough.
Some live action shiz with Cate Blanchett, where she gets to put her accent through good use again while writing books with feathers instead of pens (thanks Emit)… CUZ WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER DO THAT BEFORE.
10. WORLD OF WARCRAFT
Video games nerds better grab a date, quick! This shit is probably gonna blow your brains off so get the forums ready.
11. KUNG FU PANDA 3
Wait, we’re on #3 already? When did #2 come out?
12. INSIDE OUT
A movie set inside a little girl’s brain. Pedophiles unite! Just kidding. Anyway, this is Pixar movie #3 for 2015. Those guys must work late!
13. THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINJAY PART II
Part 2’s are so hot right now. Nice way to milk some extra cash from all the book nerds.
Huh? Who? What? An ant that saves the world? WTF is this? RAID THIS SHIT!
15. PROMETHEUS II
Great, those giant steroided-out white dudes are gonna make me feel bad if I miss the gym by one day again.
Aw cute, Despicable Me 2.5 already got delayed to 2015. Slackers.
17. BOND 24
Daniel Craig and his glutten-free diet are back!
18. INDEPENDENCE DAY FOREVER PART I
OH…NO…! They blew up everything last time, what’s left? And if Will Smith isn’t available, I’m sure Jayden is. Rooting for the Aliens if that happens.
2015 is gonna be a full comic-con/sci-fi/super-hero/sequel/popcorn extravaganza. Let’s not all suck at once, please.